Always indefinite..

Always a girl, never the girl.

Awww man, writing that sounds so lame! But I can't help it, most of the guys I've been involved with -and I use that term loosely- in the past few months are just flipping falling into relationships. I mean WTF? It certainly makes ME feel like shit.

And I suppose it's because I feel like shit that I just act like an idiot. You know. Hooking up with my ex-best friend. And the chef where I work. And the manager of the place I used to work at. And the guy I had a crush on when I was 14. And my friend who I hooked up with last year. You know.

Of course it's fun. But it's not me. And even though I don't do anything, I end up feeling bad.

And then I see these guys all lovey-dovey with their girlfriends and I just feel sick. and sad. And angry. And a little bit ashamed.

And then I remember the guy who I dated for 6 months 2 years ago. How I didn't put my relationship status up on Facebook ("cos that's soooo lame for everyone to know my business") and how he left his status as "single". was it intentional? And how I felt like I wasn't good enough to even warrant him taking it down. And then I think of the only other guy I've really dated who cheated on me because as far as he was concerned we "weren't back together" and had a new girlfriend within weeks of me.

And that is when all my insecurities, about not being good enough and people pretending to like me, come crashing down around me. And the stupid coat of confidence and individuality that I wear exposes itself as a cheap fabric that tears when tears fall.

Patience is a virtue..

I suppose it started in Feb, when I met someone wonderful. However he fell for me almost immediately and it freaked me the eff out. I tried to be gentle but let it be known that I was only in the “friends market”. It worked out fine, we became close friends and it was never awkward. I always said “if he was Jewish, I’d totally date him”. We never hooked up, which kind of surprised me. (Not that I'm big on the random hookup thing but I truly don’t mind hooking up with my friends, provided the vibe is there-and it was quite obviously there with him and me. ) I think subconsciously I knew that if we ever hooked up we’d be perfect. We grew closer as the months went on and by the end of the year I decided to stop listening to my head and start listening to my heart. I decided to tell him how I felt. All my friends knew he was "in love with me" and it was quite obvious how he would take my confession.

Or was it?

The night before I was meant to go to his house, alone, I was chatting to my best friend via instant messaging and I KNEW something wasn't right. He was ignoring me, she was being edgy, something was fishy and although I didn't want to believe it, I knew he'd hooked up with someone. Just a random, revolting hookup and he couldn't even wait for me. I was hurt. My heart had been ready to envelop him and my hands had ached to hold his. If we had kissed, it would have been a sweetly longed-for meeting. But point is, he didn't wait.

I knew I wouldn't be able to deal with the mushy interactions and status updates so I took a Facebook vacation for 2 and a half weeks. By the time I got back they had started dating. And she was my best friends other best friend.

I didn't see them till December, at my best friends 21st. I took a few moments to calm down outside and swanned right in in my gorgeous heels. Awkward hugs ensued and by the time we were seated I was a shaking nervous wreck. I couldn't pour my drink and promptly ran off to the bathroom to have a good shoulder-shaking sob. Man, did it suck. What a way to celebrate my besty's 21st, right?

Crying myself to sleep for the next few weeks was so unpleasant. I suppose it helps seeing how their relationship is so revoltingly mushy. I mean that would drive me mad. Also, "I love you" after less than 2 months? And she's fat and dresses really cheaply. Not being bitter, just stating the truth. I like to think I'm over it, but if I really was would I be acting how I am now? (More on my behaviour of late in the next post) To be honest, I really don't know.

Everything's Eventual...

A few nights ago I kissed someone who used to be my best friend. At some point in High School we started to drift. Or he did. I was heartbroken and convinced that it was partly my fault. I remember thinking he may have "liked" me and being a bit edgy around him. I also remember how he acted like a totally different person and just wouldn't talk. We hardly spoke and sometimes we wouldn't even greet eachother. It absolutely devastated me.

Of course now I know that what was going on in his life at the time was also a factor and he had changed around everyone. I just saw the change because I'd been away for a while and felt it more because we'd been so close.

More recently, since leaving school 3 years ago, we've spoken a bit more, seeing eachother at the odd party/club/lecture/university step and every single damn time my heart sung a little bit and crashed right back when I realised we'd never be as close as we were, ever again.

Back to the present, I was at a house party, drinking iced coffee and we were sitting next to eachother. It was a beautiful night and we were looking at the sky. I experienced some sort of deja vu and my mind flashed back to a memory, 4 years ago.

We are lying on the grass. The year is 2006 and everyone is drunk except us. We are looking at the stars and talking about the immensity of the world. I ask him if I've changed. It's been a rough 2 years and I've dodged some nasty rumours while dealing with my own troubles at home. He's the only one who knows just how much I've been hurting. He turns to look at me and tells me how much he respects me. I feel as if I'm going to cry and say "what about everyone else?". He says exactly what I need to hear,mending my heart once again

One of us suggests "Let's go swim", so we take off our clothes, leaving just underwear on and he pushes me into the pool. We splash around, talking about books, drugs, religion, G-d, politics. It was as if we were totally immersed in our friendship once again.

And then he asked if he could kiss me

It's 2006 and we are sitting on the grass by the middle school and climbing up the hill covered in stones. We talk about everything until it starts getting cold. He gives me his hand and says "Come with me". I don't take it and mumble some excuse about being scared of heights. What he doesn't know is that it's not that at all, I know he'll catch me. I just think he wants to kiss me and I don't want to jeopardise our friendship. I know what happens when I kiss guys I'm friendly with. Ultimately that friendship will end.

I didn't know what to say. I didn't know what to do. I managed to blush and stutter out a "No, I don't think so". I was at a birthday party (hosted by a sweet, genuine guy who bought me flowers for no reason and may or may not have romantic interest in me) , we were the only people in the pool, everyone could see us, it just seemed wrong. And even though nothing left, I don't want to jeopardise our friendship.

Beneath my red cheeks, my blood was rushing a bit faster under my skin. I wanted him to kiss me. My brain argued that it would certainly be the final nail in the coffin of our friendship and applauded me for saying no to him.

But later that night we did kiss. It was one of the sweetest, softest kisses I've ever experienced. He gently brushed his lips along mine and my heart melted. Every moment we spent together triggered memories of our lost friendship. I couldn't help but think of the moment a million years ago when he told me about his first kiss. I hugged him so hard I don't think he could breathe. I ignored the little voice that asked "What would've happened if YOU had been his first kiss?". I thought of the letter he wrote me when I was overseas on an exchange program for 4 months, the little parcel that came with it, the pictures he drew me in our boring classes, "our" song, the picture he had of me on his wall with my hair curly and no make up on, the way we could just talk forever. I missed him and here he was, back in my life.

I think I knew I had nothing to lose, and, confused as I was, I cherished every second of closeness we shared that evening. I know that because we kissed it doesn't mean we will be best friends again but I certainly hope that once again we share.. something.

Retail Reasoning

I'm going overseas in a month. Weight limit 25kg. One would think I wouldn't go shopping. But nooooo..

I'm actually awesome with money. I work hard, save and invest wisely but I do like to shop a bit. Just a little. So what new stuff have I acquired in the last, say, 2 weeks?

• Batwing tops - and lots of them. Teal, luminous yellow, purple, orange..(all on sale) I dig these flowy babies and am going to try sew a few myself.
• a pair of "slim fit" black wellies - just because they were pretty feminine looking for wellies.
• a black maxidress with studs on the straps and bodice - I never find maxis that suit me, but this one was on sale and looked rad.
• A pair of incredibly hawt black heels with a concealed platform. Size 3, even though I'm a 4! Ha!
• 3 pairs of casual, flat boots - Grey, brown and black. I swear I'm taking one of them back :/ (probably the black 'cos I have been on a black binge it would appear)
• Off-white lacy leggings - mmmm 80's (also on sale)
• Yellow spotted knee-length skirt - If I try describe it, it will sound gross. So I won't. Point is, it's awesome. And it cost me like the same as 3 bottles of mineral water. 1 if you're ordering at a restaurant hahaha
• Red checked pussy-bow shirt - best worn with my skinnies, heels, leopard print belt and winged eyeliner.
• Charcoal hooded cardigan - supersoft and wonderful for layering
• "Gold" owl ring

I've worn all my new pretties except for the cardigan and (all) the boots, not quite cold enough for that yet.

Gravestones

A few days ago, I went to a funeral with my parents.

I hate graveyards. I always feel like the sky is falling and I can't breathe.

When we were walking back to the car, I held my father's hand.

And I felt safe.

Revenge and Ice Cream.

Revenge is best served cold. So is ice-cream. Coincidence?

I actually love ice cream. I mean, if I was on a des(s)ert island and had to choose one food to eat for a long time, it'd be ice-cream. Refreshing, filling, sweet and suitable for any time of the day. Really.

No question about it, ice-cream is best served cold. But is revenge?

Personally, I've never really been the vengeful type. I haven't really hated people either. In fact, I can count them haters on my hand.

But for the past few months I've felt a change. See, a few short months ago I was a 'big sister' to a messed up girl 3 years younger than me. A lying, manipulative girl who I tutored, counselled and tried to help. A terrified girl who I took to the doctor when she couldn't tell anyone. Who I hid in my house, and lied to her father about where she was, when she was "scared to go home".

But liars are good at what they do and after countless hours of tutoring and improving her grades, it came to head that "my mom insists on paying you" was a big, fat lie that mommy knew nothing about it.

All of a sudden I was the villain. It didn't matter that during my first 2 months of university I was spending 2 or 3 hours a day gently coaxing her to write her essays. Or that I didn't charge her when she spent hours sobbing to me about her parents "upcoming divorce" even though I was giving her my assignment time to do her homework.

After some ugly words from their side, and telling me that "my friendship came at a price", I eventually told them to keep their money. I just didn't want anything to do with them. My confidence was shot and I couldn't bring myself to get back into tutoring for almost a year.

Months later, the manipulator still hadn't apologised to me or owned up to her mom about the truth of the situation. Every time I saw her, the mother would stare daggers at me and quite frankly, I was fed up. One day I just snapped and told her how disappointed I was with her, and calling her a "lying skank" in front of about 1o people. It felt wonderful.

Later that night her mom sent me a series of incredibly badly written text messages telling me to apologise for calling her daughter a slut (I actually called her a skank but yeaaah..) She also called me "childihs and boring", a "tattletale" and told me that she "will have(sic) a restraining order against me". And the hilarious ending to one of her texts was "wahahahaha". I kid you not.

I was going to write a scandalous note about the little bitch on Facebook and tag everyone she knows but I decided against in because I kind of have a conscience. I think I'm being so nice only because I have now had the satisfaction of giving her a piece of my mind. Yay.

In conclusion? Ice cream > Revenge.

Bloggage and Baggage

Blank canvas...or black in this case :)

My attempt to actually write, regularly, about my life yet still be able to read it.

It's not going to be a rant-blog,

or an emo-blog,

or a "confessionary-blog".

It's just going to be my blog.

Here's to new beginnings.

*clink clink*