Everything's Eventual...

A few nights ago I kissed someone who used to be my best friend. At some point in High School we started to drift. Or he did. I was heartbroken and convinced that it was partly my fault. I remember thinking he may have "liked" me and being a bit edgy around him. I also remember how he acted like a totally different person and just wouldn't talk. We hardly spoke and sometimes we wouldn't even greet eachother. It absolutely devastated me.

Of course now I know that what was going on in his life at the time was also a factor and he had changed around everyone. I just saw the change because I'd been away for a while and felt it more because we'd been so close.

More recently, since leaving school 3 years ago, we've spoken a bit more, seeing eachother at the odd party/club/lecture/university step and every single damn time my heart sung a little bit and crashed right back when I realised we'd never be as close as we were, ever again.

Back to the present, I was at a house party, drinking iced coffee and we were sitting next to eachother. It was a beautiful night and we were looking at the sky. I experienced some sort of deja vu and my mind flashed back to a memory, 4 years ago.

We are lying on the grass. The year is 2006 and everyone is drunk except us. We are looking at the stars and talking about the immensity of the world. I ask him if I've changed. It's been a rough 2 years and I've dodged some nasty rumours while dealing with my own troubles at home. He's the only one who knows just how much I've been hurting. He turns to look at me and tells me how much he respects me. I feel as if I'm going to cry and say "what about everyone else?". He says exactly what I need to hear,mending my heart once again

One of us suggests "Let's go swim", so we take off our clothes, leaving just underwear on and he pushes me into the pool. We splash around, talking about books, drugs, religion, G-d, politics. It was as if we were totally immersed in our friendship once again.

And then he asked if he could kiss me

It's 2006 and we are sitting on the grass by the middle school and climbing up the hill covered in stones. We talk about everything until it starts getting cold. He gives me his hand and says "Come with me". I don't take it and mumble some excuse about being scared of heights. What he doesn't know is that it's not that at all, I know he'll catch me. I just think he wants to kiss me and I don't want to jeopardise our friendship. I know what happens when I kiss guys I'm friendly with. Ultimately that friendship will end.

I didn't know what to say. I didn't know what to do. I managed to blush and stutter out a "No, I don't think so". I was at a birthday party (hosted by a sweet, genuine guy who bought me flowers for no reason and may or may not have romantic interest in me) , we were the only people in the pool, everyone could see us, it just seemed wrong. And even though nothing left, I don't want to jeopardise our friendship.

Beneath my red cheeks, my blood was rushing a bit faster under my skin. I wanted him to kiss me. My brain argued that it would certainly be the final nail in the coffin of our friendship and applauded me for saying no to him.

But later that night we did kiss. It was one of the sweetest, softest kisses I've ever experienced. He gently brushed his lips along mine and my heart melted. Every moment we spent together triggered memories of our lost friendship. I couldn't help but think of the moment a million years ago when he told me about his first kiss. I hugged him so hard I don't think he could breathe. I ignored the little voice that asked "What would've happened if YOU had been his first kiss?". I thought of the letter he wrote me when I was overseas on an exchange program for 4 months, the little parcel that came with it, the pictures he drew me in our boring classes, "our" song, the picture he had of me on his wall with my hair curly and no make up on, the way we could just talk forever. I missed him and here he was, back in my life.

I think I knew I had nothing to lose, and, confused as I was, I cherished every second of closeness we shared that evening. I know that because we kissed it doesn't mean we will be best friends again but I certainly hope that once again we share.. something.

Retail Reasoning

I'm going overseas in a month. Weight limit 25kg. One would think I wouldn't go shopping. But nooooo..

I'm actually awesome with money. I work hard, save and invest wisely but I do like to shop a bit. Just a little. So what new stuff have I acquired in the last, say, 2 weeks?

• Batwing tops - and lots of them. Teal, luminous yellow, purple, orange..(all on sale) I dig these flowy babies and am going to try sew a few myself.
• a pair of "slim fit" black wellies - just because they were pretty feminine looking for wellies.
• a black maxidress with studs on the straps and bodice - I never find maxis that suit me, but this one was on sale and looked rad.
• A pair of incredibly hawt black heels with a concealed platform. Size 3, even though I'm a 4! Ha!
• 3 pairs of casual, flat boots - Grey, brown and black. I swear I'm taking one of them back :/ (probably the black 'cos I have been on a black binge it would appear)
• Off-white lacy leggings - mmmm 80's (also on sale)
• Yellow spotted knee-length skirt - If I try describe it, it will sound gross. So I won't. Point is, it's awesome. And it cost me like the same as 3 bottles of mineral water. 1 if you're ordering at a restaurant hahaha
• Red checked pussy-bow shirt - best worn with my skinnies, heels, leopard print belt and winged eyeliner.
• Charcoal hooded cardigan - supersoft and wonderful for layering
• "Gold" owl ring

I've worn all my new pretties except for the cardigan and (all) the boots, not quite cold enough for that yet.

Gravestones

A few days ago, I went to a funeral with my parents.

I hate graveyards. I always feel like the sky is falling and I can't breathe.

When we were walking back to the car, I held my father's hand.

And I felt safe.

Revenge and Ice Cream.

Revenge is best served cold. So is ice-cream. Coincidence?

I actually love ice cream. I mean, if I was on a des(s)ert island and had to choose one food to eat for a long time, it'd be ice-cream. Refreshing, filling, sweet and suitable for any time of the day. Really.

No question about it, ice-cream is best served cold. But is revenge?

Personally, I've never really been the vengeful type. I haven't really hated people either. In fact, I can count them haters on my hand.

But for the past few months I've felt a change. See, a few short months ago I was a 'big sister' to a messed up girl 3 years younger than me. A lying, manipulative girl who I tutored, counselled and tried to help. A terrified girl who I took to the doctor when she couldn't tell anyone. Who I hid in my house, and lied to her father about where she was, when she was "scared to go home".

But liars are good at what they do and after countless hours of tutoring and improving her grades, it came to head that "my mom insists on paying you" was a big, fat lie that mommy knew nothing about it.

All of a sudden I was the villain. It didn't matter that during my first 2 months of university I was spending 2 or 3 hours a day gently coaxing her to write her essays. Or that I didn't charge her when she spent hours sobbing to me about her parents "upcoming divorce" even though I was giving her my assignment time to do her homework.

After some ugly words from their side, and telling me that "my friendship came at a price", I eventually told them to keep their money. I just didn't want anything to do with them. My confidence was shot and I couldn't bring myself to get back into tutoring for almost a year.

Months later, the manipulator still hadn't apologised to me or owned up to her mom about the truth of the situation. Every time I saw her, the mother would stare daggers at me and quite frankly, I was fed up. One day I just snapped and told her how disappointed I was with her, and calling her a "lying skank" in front of about 1o people. It felt wonderful.

Later that night her mom sent me a series of incredibly badly written text messages telling me to apologise for calling her daughter a slut (I actually called her a skank but yeaaah..) She also called me "childihs and boring", a "tattletale" and told me that she "will have(sic) a restraining order against me". And the hilarious ending to one of her texts was "wahahahaha". I kid you not.

I was going to write a scandalous note about the little bitch on Facebook and tag everyone she knows but I decided against in because I kind of have a conscience. I think I'm being so nice only because I have now had the satisfaction of giving her a piece of my mind. Yay.

In conclusion? Ice cream > Revenge.

Bloggage and Baggage

Blank canvas...or black in this case :)

My attempt to actually write, regularly, about my life yet still be able to read it.

It's not going to be a rant-blog,

or an emo-blog,

or a "confessionary-blog".

It's just going to be my blog.

Here's to new beginnings.

*clink clink*