Of course now I know that what was going on in his life at the time was also a factor and he had changed around everyone. I just saw the change because I'd been away for a while and felt it more because we'd been so close.
More recently, since leaving school 3 years ago, we've spoken a bit more, seeing eachother at the odd party/club/lecture/university step and every single damn time my heart sung a little bit and crashed right back when I realised we'd never be as close as we were, ever again.
Back to the present, I was at a house party, drinking iced coffee and we were sitting next to eachother. It was a beautiful night and we were looking at the sky. I experienced some sort of deja vu and my mind flashed back to a memory, 4 years ago.
We are lying on the grass. The year is 2006 and everyone is drunk except us. We are looking at the stars and talking about the immensity of the world. I ask him if I've changed. It's been a rough 2 years and I've dodged some nasty rumours while dealing with my own troubles at home. He's the only one who knows just how much I've been hurting. He turns to look at me and tells me how much he respects me. I feel as if I'm going to cry and say "what about everyone else?". He says exactly what I need to hear,mending my heart once again
One of us suggests "Let's go swim", so we take off our clothes, leaving just underwear on and he pushes me into the pool. We splash around, talking about books, drugs, religion, G-d, politics. It was as if we were totally immersed in our friendship once again.
And then he asked if he could kiss me
It's 2006 and we are sitting on the grass by the middle school and climbing up the hill covered in stones. We talk about everything until it starts getting cold. He gives me his hand and says "Come with me". I don't take it and mumble some excuse about being scared of heights. What he doesn't know is that it's not that at all, I know he'll catch me. I just think he wants to kiss me and I don't want to jeopardise our friendship. I know what happens when I kiss guys I'm friendly with. Ultimately that friendship will end.
I didn't know what to say. I didn't know what to do. I managed to blush and stutter out a "No, I don't think so". I was at a birthday party (hosted by a sweet, genuine guy who bought me flowers for no reason and may or may not have romantic interest in me) , we were the only people in the pool, everyone could see us, it just seemed wrong. And even though nothing left, I don't want to jeopardise our friendship.
Beneath my red cheeks, my blood was rushing a bit faster under my skin. I wanted him to kiss me. My brain argued that it would certainly be the final nail in the coffin of our friendship and applauded me for saying no to him.
But later that night we did kiss. It was one of the sweetest, softest kisses I've ever experienced. He gently brushed his lips along mine and my heart melted. Every moment we spent together triggered memories of our lost friendship. I couldn't help but think of the moment a million years ago when he told me about his first kiss. I hugged him so hard I don't think he could breathe. I ignored the little voice that asked "What would've happened if YOU had been his first kiss?". I thought of the letter he wrote me when I was overseas on an exchange program for 4 months, the little parcel that came with it, the pictures he drew me in our boring classes, "our" song, the picture he had of me on his wall with my hair curly and no make up on, the way we could just talk forever. I missed him and here he was, back in my life.
I think I knew I had nothing to lose, and, confused as I was, I cherished every second of closeness we shared that evening. I know that because we kissed it doesn't mean we will be best friends again but I certainly hope that once again we share.. something.
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